Why I Still Feel Like a Pretender

February 26, 2009

Even after over sixteen months on the job, some days I still feel like I am not a “real” teacher, but merely playacting. This is due in part, no doubt, to the fact that I do not really consider teaching a long-term career possibility, but I also think that certain words and terms I hear everyday are somewhat responsible. A prime example of such terminology is the Kazakh/Russian word “costume” which English speakers should translate as business suit. If you read the word costume and first thought about a Halloween costume, you are not alone. When I first came to Kazakhstan and my host mother asked me about my “costume” for the first day of school, I thought to myself, “Damn, I did not know I needed to bring a mask or cape, and isn’t Halloween still two months away?” I have long since come to understand the Russian/Kazakh meaning of the word, but I still often feel that my “costume” is just that, a costume. I feel the stiff collar scratch my neck, the tie constrict my breathing, and the coat trap my arms, but I fight these short periods of anxiety with several different way, such as stretching the boundaries of what qualifies as “business casual,” and trying to foster a slightly less uptight atmosphere in my classroom.” Still, I do not think I will ever be fully comfortable in the roll of a teacher; I miss being a student too much. I hope that some of my students realize how fortunate they are to be students and how much they will miss it, but I doubt that they do. No one ever does.