October 14, 2008
Lately, I have been asking myself “what am I doing here?” It is not that I am tired of living in Kazakhstan or that no longer enjoy what I am doing, it is just I have not been finding as much fulfillment regarding the reasons that I joined the Peace Corps in the first place. I joined the Peace Corps because I thought that I was providing the Peace Corps and Kazakhstan with important service, and would figure out who I am and what I want to do with my life at the same time. Unfortunately, I am beginning to realize that my presence is not really that necessary and I am more confused than ever as to my life’s vocation.
To be honest, Kazakhstan does not really need Peace Corps Volunteers. There are plenty of local English teachers, and most of them are quite skilled in both language and pedagogy. I may have a sunnier view of Kazakhstan’s education system because I work at a truly excellent college, but in general the local teachers do just fine. I know that as a Peace Corps volunteer and a native English speaker, I provide an important source of alternative and modern teaching methodologies, critical thinking, and English practice, but Kazakhstan’s education system will certainly not collapse without us. That said, both the people of Kazakhstan and Peace Corps volunteers get a lot out of our work together, and Peace Corps should remain present in Kazakhstan as long as possible. The fact remains however, that Kazakhstan will soon be developed to the point that we are no longer necessary, or more to the point, it is no longer financially feasible for the U.S. Government to support the program.
Furthermore, Peace Corps service has not yet been enlightening experience I expected it to be when I joined. I hoped that serving in the Peace Corps would provide me with some direction regarding my future profession or even just life in general, and while I have had a few personal and professional realizations, my future seems just as uncertain as it was before I came. I guess the problem is that I was expecting a burst of clarity, and instead have only been given a few cracks of blue in an otherwise very cloudy sky. For example, I have come to realize that while I enjoy some aspects of teaching, many others I do not. For example, I am not a huge fan of teaching new vocabulary words or giving grades, but I like leading my students in discussions or asking them questions that make there heads hurt. Thus, while perhaps teaching is not my ultimate vocation, if I could find another profession that involved asking people difficult questions that they did not want to answer and did not require living in a cardboard box or somewhere with ivy-adorned columns, it would be great. Still, as important as this little bit of self-awareness was, I am still totally undecided on a future graduate program or career path, and given that my service will be over in a little over a year, this is a worrisome problem. I cannot go back to Waco, TX with absolutely no idea what I want to do next.
Perhaps this sounds as if I have become disenchanted, but that is not the case. I do really like working as a volunteer, and believe it or not, most days I think that I make some kind of difference. I also enjoy living in Kazakhstan. The culture is very different to be sure, but I find it very interesting and attractive. At the same time there is much about my site, Kyzylorda, that reminds me of the city where I grew up. I think that it is this combination of the new and exciting with the familiar that has allowed me to achieve the self-awareness that I mentioned before. It is as if I am seeing my everyday life through a slightly tinted lens that allows me to recognize those things about myself that I was oblivious to before. So perhaps I know why I am here after all. I do not know if I will leave a lasting impression on Kazakhstan, but it is certainly leaving a lasting impression on me.
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3 комментария:
Thank you for your honest.
As an RPCV from Kazakhstan, allow me to humbly suggest that, of the three goals of the Peace Corps, you have been focused on the first ("Helping the people of interested countries in meeting their need for trained men and women"). That still leaves two others ("Helping promote a better understanding of Americans on the part of the peoples served" and "Helping promote a better understanding of other peoples on the part of Americans"). I tended to spend most of my time focused on the second goal, then when I returned to America I was able to work on the third goal.
Remember, you aren't just a teacher or a native English speaker. You are an American, and that isn't a boastful statement. As an American, you have the chance to show people what we are like in a way that neither our government nor our media can. You aren't an ambassador or a soldier, and you aren't an actor or pop singer. Not that there is anything wrong with any of those occupations, but it is important for other nations to see us as more than the sanitized, mythical depictions of Americans created by governments and motion picture studios.
And the third goal has been, for me, the most fun. Sharing experiences from the real Kazakhstan, not the corrupt government or the disinformation found in the Borat movie, has been great.
As for wondering what you want to do when you return to the states, well, I've been back five years and I still haven't figured it out. But then I've always felt people spend too much time focusing on their futures, often at the expense of the present. Realize that you are in a place few Americans have been, and, right now, you are having experiences, good and bad, that will shape who you are down the road.
And have fun.
Hi,
I will be honest I read briefly, but the truth is I arrive in Kyzlorda on Tuesday night, I am Canadian and I need to talk in english to people from North America!!! Please call me 26-19-72. I would love you hear your side of Kyz and others as well. Thanks
Lindsay
cell # 8-777-269-6045
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